The Book

Study finds that “Working Moms are fine for kids”

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

A working mother that I follow on twitter linked to this NYT Blog (Motherlode) The title is “Working Moms are Fine for Kids”.

Spoiler alert:  Mother’s who return to work do not irrevocably damage their kids.

I remain steadfast in my belief that returning to work after having a baby is a personal decision.  In my opinion both options, returning to work or being a stay-at-home Mother, work just fine for children.  Happy families is best and whatever gets your family to that happy place is all that should matter.

For those of you who felt the research showed you were “harming your children” by choosing to return to work here is evidence to the contrary.

As someone who had to go through this decision personally I know it can be a tough one.  In the end, I decided to return to work and it was the right decision for me.

“Because you told me not to.”

Sunday, July 18th, 2010

Earlier tonight my son drank water from the kiddie pool in our backyard.  Let me repeat myself.  My son drank the water from the kiddie pool in my backyard tonight. Before I go any further, allow me to explain he was well cared for today.  He was not suffering from lack of attention, dehydration or malnutrition.  At the time of the incident he had drank plenty of clean water, eaten many healthy snacks and two of three meals for the day.

I have been told that many kids have had a drink of pool water, or worse, and survived.  That does not change a thing.  I am still beside myself.  It is not only upsetting because my son drank water that he had been playing all day, but due in part to the conversation we had shortly after the incident.  Allow me to share an excerpt as follows:

Mommy asks, “Why did you put water from the pool in your mouth?”

Child’s reply,  “Because you told me not to.”

Mommy, (complete with feeling of brain exploding), “Because I told you NOT you, you decided to drink pool water?”

The child replied with a tentative look.  “Yes.”

I was bewildered, sad, worried he would get sick and ANGRY all at the same time.  I am typing while my son eats his dinner.  My brain craves to have a discussion with an adult version of my preschooler right now.  “What on Earth were you thinking?”  The logical part of my brain understands that kids must test boundaries and experiment, but what is the right response when they do something wrong ON PURPOSE?  My son is no stranger to time out, but I usually understand his behavior.  This act seemed to be ludicrous and purposeless to me.

I realized standing next to the pool with the sun beating down and my last nerve in danger of frying that I was at a parenting inflection point.  Instincts were firing off commands to my brain as I desperately clutched for a clue.  I silently sorted through my thoughts one by one:

Of course, the first instinct was to scream.  Quickly passed over that one.  What good would it do?

The second instinct was to take a few seconds to mentally kick myself for all the nights I did not let him cry himself to sleep.  I did not want him to know an extra moment’s sadness.  Funny where your brain goes, isn’t it?

The third instinct was to punish.  Time out?  Send him  to his room without dinner? Cancel the next Disney trip?

Nothing felt right.  After a few silent moments, the oxygen made it’s way back to my brain.   I realized that although frustrating ( infuriating), this is behavior is mostly normal.  What is important is to calmly explain that we are done in the pool for today and that tomorrow I expect that he will keep the water where it belongs.  I think that was the right choice for me, my son, and his (inevitable) future therapist bills.

Life has moved on.  Routines have taken place.  Shoes in the drawer. Hat on the hook. Hands washed.  Dinner prepared and eaten.  My son seems to have forgotten the whole incident and I am left wondering if I made the right choice.  I am strangely comforted at this moment to be a working mother.  Not because I won’t miss my angel, tests and all, tomorrow.  I will.  That said,  tomorrow at work, even if someone does something I told them not to do, they likely won’t inform me they did it just because I told them not to!

An older, tired-looking dog.

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

I have no idea where this story originated, but it was sent to me by a dear friend this evening.  Working Mothers will especially get a chuckle.  Enjoy!

************************************************

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and  well-fed belly that he had a home and was well  taken care of.

He  calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on  his head;
he  then followed me into my house, slowly walked  down the
hall,  curled up in the corner and fell  asleep.

An  hour later, he went to the door, and I let him  out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in  my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in  the hall and again slept for about an  hour.
This continued off and on for several  weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:  ’I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
and ask if you are  aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes  to my house for a nap.’
The next day he  arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s  trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come  with him  tomorrow?’

Father’s Day

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

Father’s Day Blog Post.

I was out and about with my family yesterday and I popped into the boutique next to my husband’s favorite coffee store.  The sign hung over the register.  “Shop today for you, celebrate Father’s day tomorrow in style… if Mommy’s not happy nobody is happy.”  I could not help but smirk.  A ladies specialty boutique that only has women’s jewelry and handbags had done their best to boost sales on a tough weekend for them.

It is Sunday afternoon and after a delightful day at a local beach, my son and husband sit watching the US OPEN golf tournament.  The other man in my life, my brother, is playing in a golf tournament in another part of the state.  Golf was my father’s game too.  Me?  I never understood the affection people have for the game.  I learned how to play at a very early age and played the requisite Mother/daughter, Father/daughter tournaments growing up.  I have only played in a handful of charity matches since.   With the right company on the right day is can be almost fun, but it is usually played in warm weather (hot and humid) around water (buggy) for hours.  Hmmm, no thanks.   Yet, I would not trade any of my experiences with my family at the golf course.   It is part of who I am.

No. I did not inherit my Father’s love for golf, but he did bequeath to me his tenacity and his work ethic.  Unfortunately, I inherited his lack of patience and his temper, too!  (That’s another post altogether).

Happy Father’s Day to all the great, yet perfectly imperfect Father’s out there!

Under Construction

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

As you may have noticed, the blog is undergoing some upgrades.

Please forgive any odd comments or mispellings as we finish the enhancements.

Thank you!

Good Question…”We Need Women Leaders. How Do We Get Them?”

Saturday, April 10th, 2010

Stumbled onto a article in Forbes Women this morning. It was titled “We Need Women Leaders. How Do We Get Them?”

“Creating equal opportunities for women starts with a willingness to change the status quo….Today’s workforce already comprises more than 50% women. When will the composition of America’s business leadership reflect that reality? If we don’t fully harness the power of women in the workforce, our future growth could be at risk.”

There are some great points made in this article, worth a read.  Of course, it will be a challenge to find corporations with the willingness to change status quo and to invest in that change.

Women and Self-Promotion

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Many women are uncomfortable with the concept of self-promotion.  In fact, one of the most packed seminars I ever attended was called the “impostor syndrome”. If you are unfamiliar with the definition – here it is from Wikipedia:

The Impostor Syndrome, sometimes called Impostor Phenomenon or Fraud Syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. It is not an officially recognized psychological disorder but has been the subject of numerous books and articles by psychologists and educators.

Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study or what external proof they may have of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced internally they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are actually frauds. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.

This syndrome was thought to be particularly common among women who are successful in their given careers, but has since been shown to occur for an equal number of men. It is typically associated with academics and is widely found amongst graduate students.

Many working mothers suffer from self-doubt and it is a constant struggle to find balance.  Maybe because we fear that others have more time to dedicate to one area of their lives, for example, the office.  The truth is that people with a great deal on their plates tend to be more productive.  They don’t have to be working mothers, but they are people with discipline and priorities.  In other words, people who don’t have time to procrastinate.

Women in general need to be a little better at talking themselves up.  Consider this blog post from Clay Shirky (Warning:  foul language in the Shirky blog post) called Rant About Women I stumbled onto via Twitter.  I know nothing at all about the author of this well written article and can not vouch for its authenticity.  However, I found his seemingly first-hand account of the career achievement differences between men and women in his own corner of the world a worthwhile read.  It may open up readers to new possibilities, enjoy.

Internet is 20 years old. Ah, to be twenty years old again!

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

The internet is 20 years old.  Ah, to be twenty again!  Forgive me as I wax nostalgic here, but technology is sorority sister I have grown up with for the past two decades.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I I felt like I knew everything at 19!   Life was simple and planned out.  All opportunity ahead of me.  I thought of the internet the same way. It was fresh and new.  It was the future.

In order to understand my history with the internet let us go back a touch earlier.   In the late 80s, my boyfriend at the time (now Husband) gets himself into huge trouble because he rang up a $3,000  ($6 an hour in those days) bill using CompuServe on a 300 or 1200 Baud modem.  Lucky for my husband, my Mother-in-Law was not angry for long and considered the crazy bill an investment in her son’s technology future.  To this day he still serves as the family IT support help desk so he is likely paid in full on his crazy teenage debt.   Without the exposure to my husband’s addiction…passion at such an early age I don’t know where I would be today.  The world of computer technology was opened up for me and I had my own private tutor.  (He also taught me how to drive, but that is a blog post for another day).

Life was not the straight path I thought it would be when I was 19.  Two months before my 20th birthday my father passed away suddenly.  My life plans went through the equivalent of government-issue cross-cut shredder.   The confidence I had a few fleeting months before was reduced to a memory as I tried to figure out who I was in the new world order.   My sorority sister, technology, was there for me.  I threw myself into my schoolwork and learned all there was to know about business applications of technology.  I was not interested in coding, I wanted to know we could extract business value from this new medium.  I studied locally and internationally.  When I returned to the United States, I took administrative types of jobs maximizing the business value of technology.  Companies paid me to train in word processing, spreadsheets, web-publishing and graphics programs.   My Mother seemed to find comfort in the logic of technology as well.  She was an avid user of tech toys and I was lucky enough to always have a computer in my home.

PhotobucketApple IIe was the first in 1984 and she has upgraded to the latest and greatest technology even today.  Yes my Mother is the coolest techie grandmother around, she is even on Facebook and can text with the best of them!

Is it any wonder that I ended up at EMC, a technology company.  As I have blogged here before, EMC is also my Mother’s initials so it was a perfect match.  EMC publishes an online periodical called ON Magazine.  The latest issue is a celebration of the Web’s  20 year anniversary.  Many EMC bloggers (Len Devanna Barry Burke, Gina Minks just to name a few) that I enjoy have written about the article and the three questions it asks:

* How has the Web changed your life?
* How has the Web changed business and society?
* What do you think the Web will look like in 20 years?

Then I read this at Blog Stu “To continue the conversation, I am tagging Natalie Corridan-Gregg (EMC), Aneel Lakhani (works for IBM, speaks for himself) and Andrea Meyer (Working Knowledge) to continue the #20years discussion.   Cool.  Skin in the game :)

Before I go any further the geek in me has to say out loud to the blogosphere that I find incredibly ironic that the traditional gift for a twentieth anniversary (such as what the web is celebrating) is china, given all of the issues around China and internet searches that are circulating currently, but I digress…

* How has the Web changed your life?

After reading my introduction to this post I think it is clear that technology has been a thread throughout my life, but specifically I would say that I am much more informed.  I planned my wedding online, prepared for the birth of my son online, researched jobs and created my resume online,  I searched for my home and car online.  As a working mother almost all of my shopping is done online (in the wee hours of the morning).  Christmas Cards and holiday shopping would be impossible for me without my sorority sister WWW.

* How has the Web changed business and society?

How has the Web changed business?  Let us turn that around.  Can you have a business without the Web?  Sure.  If you are a gas station or dry cleaner, but even then how do people find you if they don’t drive by your location?  I would say that the Web is business.  It is how we communicate.  It is how we research.  It is how we live.  How do you separate business and society in this question?  In the world of 24 x forever my work and home lives bleed into each other without definition.  Polly Pearson blogged about the death of the “Out of Office ” message back in August of 2008 and mused “[Is it because] Everyone is on wireless devices… thus always ‘in’ the virtual office?”  My working mother lens says yes.  Technology has made it possible for us to be virtually anywhere and everywhere.  I work 7 days a week, I am a mother and wife 7 days a week (feels like eight).  The Working Mother Experience book tells me that I am not alone.  All working parents are fighting to give 100% to their kids and their careers and ignoring the funny math that creates.  Facebook is a double edged sword I now know way too much about some people, but it is an invaluable tool in my “staying sane” arsenal.  Remember the funny math from the previous sentence?  Facebook allows me to pretend to have a social life on top of the alleged 200% of myself I am giving away elsewhere.  It acts as a big red “STOP” light for me on the roller coaster of life.  I can check on how my peeps are doing when it is convenient for me, a la that wee hour in the morning shopping.  When I see Girlfiend Y posted that she spent the night in the ER, guess what pops to the top of my to do list post 8 am.  That is right calling Girlfriend Y.   Girlfriend Y would never ‘bother’ me with such things as asking for a shoulder to cry on, but my friend Facebook allows her to hint she might need one.  Very Cool.  Back to the concept of the lack of Church and State between business and society web application for a moment.  Facebook has allowed me to be friends with co-workers I would never have a chance to really get to know.  Yes in some cases it was not the best idea, but 80% or more of the time, I am thrilled with the connectedness I feel with the fellow EMCers.  I see their kids pictures, I can navigate around a bad day because I know in advance.  On the down side, a fellow EMCer is responsible for my slipping into the grips of the Farmville application.  My toddler actually owns my ‘farm’ and enjoys it immensely, but I have to remember when his crops are due to harvest and of course those annoying Facebook status messages are the result.  You can do a Twitter search to see the most popular global topics and learn a bunch about how people feel.  The local election in Massachusetts on January 19th is a terrific example.  Nothing is local anymore.  A blogger I read out of Delaware wrote a terrific piece on the MA election and the effect it would have on the Nation.  It was eye opening.

Society has found a way to merge itself with the never-ending demands of the global economy.  We adapt.

* What do you think the Web will look like in 20 years?

What do I think the Web will look like, or what do I fear the Web will look like?  The Web, like many of us at the tender age of 20, can make good choices or poor choices that affect the future.   My fear is that in the quest for more and more data mining that privacy will become a thing of the past.  So much of business and society is simmered into the very foundation of the current iteration of the Web that extricating the two is near impossible.  That is ok in peaceful hands, but people’s lives can be ruined by accusation, identities can be stolen, the path to truths obscured.   I receive all of my new from the Web through ‘trusted’ sources.  There was a horrible Sandra Bullock movie called The Net released in 1995.  The movie was not able to suspend disbelief for me, given the leaps it took with technology.  The concept of the movie, where someone’s identity could be erased and replaced, via software sits with me as a possible scary outcome.

On the other, angel on my shoulder, side I can see the Web uniting the world.  It is already starting to happen.  The world felt 9/11.  The world felt the Tsunami.  The world is wrapping up Haiti in a big hug as I write this blog post.  The best thing I can see coming out of the internet in twenty years is people seeing each other for their similarities instead of their differences.  We are all human beings.  We need the same basics of food, water, love, shelter.  We love our families and want better for our children.  If the internet can build global community then that would be the best of all outcomes.

To keep the discussion going, I appeal to David Spencer, and his terrific Dave Talks Shop blog, to give us his thoughts.  I look forward to reading his perspective.

Transitions

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

I have been working for the same corporation for many years.  Actually, that is not a true statement.  The company name is the same, but the corporation has changed more than stayed the same in my tenure here.  Due to the size of the campus, I was lucky enough to start a brand new career this week in the same building as my previous career that ended last week.

Receiving a job offer letter just days before Christmas definitely has its affect on the holidays.  Although I have received outstanding support from former management as well as new, transitions are complicated.   Systems are put in place to make career transitions all go as smoothly as possible.  Yet, it never really is SMOOTH…  Great care needs to be taken to prevent tasks from falling through the cracks.  You worry about what you know is important from your old job that is out of your control.  Meanwhile, you don’t know what is important yet in your new job, so you pay attention to everything and set yourself up for overwhelm.  Your finely tuned skill for prioritizing on the fly has all new inputs to decipher.

Then there is the details and administrivia.   I started packing up my office stuff to schlep it to a new location, in the same building.  Seeing less of the team I worked with daily for the past 4 years while making alliances with the new team.  Figuring out who owns what is a treat.  I spend time teaching people how to do my old job.  Other people spend time teaching me how to do my new job.  My supportive husband and son are dealing with Mommy’s fragmented attention span at home and I feel like Sybil in conversations saying things to the effect of “my job, I mean my old job”, “my boss, er my former boss” etc.

Even though so much has changed and things we have established routines are not smooth, there exists an aliveness associated with change.  It is as if I can FEEL the new pathways in my brain forming.  It is invigorating.  It is exhausting.  I have slept really well the last few nights because I have left nothing on the table.  None of my other responsibilities (being a wife and mother) take a vacation because I started something new.  Christmas and New Years obligations and celebrations happened on schedule whether I was ready or not.

Back in November, I had vowed to myself that I was going to make 2010 a focus on simplicity.  I was going to trust myself more, I was going to simplify some of the processes of my life, I was going to systematically organize areas of my house that cause me grief, give away stuff I no longer use and reclaim open space.   It wasn’t quite a Resolution, but more of an intended transformation.   My approach to life is often one of scarcity.  I hold-on to what I have.  I like to consider it a form of loyalty.  My Mother calls this “the devil you know”.  Staying with the devil you know is a safe, but not necessarily fulfilling lifestyle.

With the current economic crisis some were concerned that it was a mistake in timing for me to change jobs.  I love that I have people that care for me so much, but I knew it was time for a change.  My brain needed new challenges.

Recently I tweeted saying that I was in a place of contentment.  In that contentment, I am actually embracing all of the mistakes I have made in my life, because they got me to HERE.  I like where I am and I could not have gotten to the positive “here” without having gone though the dark stuff.   What a great lesson it would be for me if I could embrace the next time I screw up as simply the means by which a new pathway opens up for me.   I doubt I will have that Zen-like clarity in the moment.  Being a perfectionist, screwing up comes with a lot of drama.  I like to think that I eventually see the silver lining, though.

Transitions are not smooth, but as I sit here writing this post I feel very much alive.  Challenges are good for the soul.

Little Black Rain Clouds

Saturday, October 10th, 2009

We have plans and we have what happens.  The two rarely, if ever, line up.  Those who know me are all to aware that I have plans and contingency plans for almost everything.  Until last week, I would have told you I am happiest when a plan comes together.  The universe intended to teach me a lesson and it worked!  Life threw me a few small curve-balls – for example : no hot water on a Monday morning before work, small GAS leak in the basement, redo needed on paperwork for a financial transaction etc.  Then what every working mother dreads a problem with the child care provider!

Opening up my son’s lunchbox to prepare it for the next day, my husband found a succinct note from our son’s beloved pre-school teacher explaining that due to the economy the school’s doors were closing for good.  We have a short window to find new care.  “FIND NEW CARE?”  My planning centric brain wanted to explode.  Don’t these people know it is Q4, the craziest time of year for my job? Also, my husband’s busiest travel season?  I was infuriated that it was late in evening and could not call any new centers or start “planning” my attack on this problem.  Then I realized that yes this is an inconvenience for me and my family.  It might even be complex for a bit until we find a new system, but what about THEM?  The people who put their heart and soul into the school?  The teachers who likely do not have another job waiting in the wings for them?

I was saddened and humbled.  My little black rain clouds were annoying, but they were not cancer, they were not grieving a loved one, nor was I in a position of looking for a new job in tough economy or grieving the loss of my business.  Think at the level of community and that is where we find peace.  I doubled my resolve to be a happy and active contributor to the world.  I hope you do too!